1. Am I crazy to hurt so much?
Intense grief over the loss of a pet is
normal and natural. Don't let anyone tell you that it's silly, crazy,
or overly sentimental to grieve!
During the years you spent with your pet
(even if they were few), it became a significant and constant part of
your life. It was a source of comfort and companionship, of
unconditional love and acceptance, of fun and joy. So don't be
surprised if you feel devastated by the loss of such a relationship.
People who don't understand the pet/owner
bond may not understand your pain. All that matters, however, is how
you feel. Don't let others dictate your feelings: They are valid, and
may be extremely painful. But remember, you are not alone: Thousands
of pet owners have gone through the same feelings.
2. What Can I Expect to Feel?
Different people experience grief in
different ways. Besides your sorrow and loss, you may also experience
the following emotions:
-
Guilt
may occur if you feel responsible for your pet's death-the "if only
I had been more careful" syndrome. It is pointless and often
erroneous to burden yourself with guilt for the accident or illness
that claimed your pet's life, and only makes it more difficult to
resolve your grief.
-
Denial
makes it difficult to accept that your pet is really gone. It's hard
to imagine that your pet won't greet you when you come home, or that
it doesn't need its evening meal. Some pet owners carry this to
extremes, and fear their pet is still alive and suffering somewhere.
Others find it hard to get a new pet for fear of being "disloyal" to
the old.
-
Anger
may be directed at the illness that killed your pet, the driver of
the speeding car, the veterinarian who "failed" to save its life.
Sometimes it is justified, but when carried to extremes, it
distracts you from the important task of resolving your grief.
-
Depression
is a natural consequence of grief, but can leave you powerless to
cope with your feelings. Extreme depression robs you of motivation
and energy, causing you to dwell upon your sorrow.
3. What can I do about my feelings?
The most important step you can take is
to be honest about your feelings. Don't deny your pain, or your
feelings of anger and guilt. Only by examining and coming to terms
with your feelings can you begin to work through them.
You have a right to feel pain and grief!
Someone you loved has died, and you feel alone and bereaved. You have
a right to feel anger and guilt, as well. Acknowledge your feelings
first, then ask yourself whether the circumstances actually justify
them.
Locking away grief doesn't make it go
away. Express it. Cry, scream, pound the floor, talk it out. Do what
helps you the most. Don't try to avoid grief by not thinking about
your pet; instead, reminisce about the good times. This will help you
understand what your pet's loss actually means to you.
Some find it helpful to express their
feelings and memories in poems, stories, or letters to the pet. Other
strategies including rearranging your schedule to fill in the times
you would have spent with your pet; preparing a memorial such as a
photo collage; and talking to others about your loss.
4. Who can I talk to?
If your family or friends love pets,
they'll understand what you're going through. Don't hide your feelings
in a misguided effort to appear strong and calm! Working through your
feelings with another person is one of the best ways to put them in
perspective and find ways to handle them. Find someone you can talk to
about how much the pet meant to you and how much you miss it-someone
you feel comfortable crying and grieving with.
If you don't have family or friends who
understand, or if you need more help, ask your veterinarian or humane
association to recommend a pet loss counselor or support group. Check
with your church or hospital for grief counseling. Remember, your
grief is genuine and deserving of support.
5. When is the right time to euthanize a
pet?
Your veterinarian is the best judge of
your pet's physical condition; however, you are the best judge of the
quality of your pet's daily life. If a pet has a good appetite,
responds to attention, seeks its owner's company, and participates in
play or family life, many owners feel that this is not the time.
However, if a pet is in constant pain, undergoing difficult and
stressful treatments that aren't helping greatly, unresponsive to
affection, unaware of its surroundings, and uninterested in life, a
caring pet owner will probably choose to end the beloved companion's
suffering.
Evaluate your pet's health honestly and
unselfishly with your veterinarian. Prolonging a pet's suffering in
order to prevent your own ultimately helps neither of you. Nothing can
make this decision an easy or painless one, but it is truly the final
act of love that you can make for your pet.
6. Should I stay during euthanasia?
Many feel this is the ultimate gesture of
love and comfort you can offer your pet. Some feel relief and comfort
themselves by staying: They were able to see that their pet passed
peacefully and without pain, and that it was truly gone. For many, not
witnessing the death (and not seeing the body) makes it more difficult
to accept that the pet is really gone. However, this can be traumatic,
and you must ask yourself honestly whether you will be able to handle
it. Uncontrolled emotions and tears-though natural-are likely to upset
your pet.
Some clinics are more open than others to
allowing the owner to stay during euthanasia. Some veterinarians are
also willing to euthanize a pet at home. Others have come to an
owner's car to administer the injection. Again, consider what will be
least traumatic for you and your pet, and discuss your desires and
concerns with your veterinarian. If your clinic is not able to
accommodate your wishes, request a referral.
7. What do I do next?
When a pet dies, you must choose how to
handle its remains. Sometimes, in the midst of grief, it may seem
easiest to leave the pet at the clinic for disposal. Check with your
clinic to find out whether there is a fee for such disposal. Some
shelters also accept such remains, though many charge a fee for
disposal.
If you prefer a more formal option,
several are available. Home burial is a popular choice, if you have
sufficient property for it. It is economical and enables you to design
your own funeral ceremony at little cost. However, city regulations
usually prohibit pet burials, and this is not a good choice for
renters or people who move frequently.
To many, a pet cemetery provides a sense
of dignity, security, and permanence. Owners appreciate the serene
surroundings and care of the gravesite. Cemetery costs vary depending
on the services you select, as well as upon the type of pet you have.
Cremation is a less expensive option that allows you to handle your
pet's remains in a variety of ways: bury them (even in the city),
scatter them in a favorite location, place them in a columbarium, or
even keep them with you in a decorative urn (of which a wide variety
are available).
Check with your veterinarian, pet shop,
or phone directory for options available in your area. Consider your
living situation, personal and religious values, finances, and future
plans when making your decision. It's also wise to make such plans in
advance, rather than hurriedly in the midst of grief.
8. What should I tell my children?
You are the best judge of how much
information your children can handle about death and the loss of their
pet. Don't underestimate them, however. You may find that, by being
honest with them about your pet's loss, you may be able to address
some fears and misperceptions they have about death.
Honesty is important. If you say the pet
was "put to sleep," make sure your children understand the difference
between death and ordinary sleep. Never say the pet "went away," or
your child may wonder what he or she did to make it leave, and wait in
anguish for its return. That also makes it harder for a child to
accept a new pet. Make it clear that the pet will not come back, but
that it is happy and free of pain.
Never assume a child is too young or too
old to grieve. Never criticize a child for tears, or tell them to "be
strong" or not to feel sad. Be honest about your own sorrow; don't try
to hide it, or children may feel required to hide their grief as well.
Discuss the issue with the entire family, and give everyone a chance
to work through their grief at their own pace.
9. Will my other pets grieve?
Pets observe every change in a household,
and are bound to notice the absence of a companion. Pets often form
strong attachments to one another, and the survivor of such a pair may
seem to grieve for its companion. Cats grieve for dogs, and dogs for
cats.
You may need to give your surviving pets
a lot of extra attention and love to help them through this period.
Remember that, if you are going to introduce a new pet, your surviving
pets may not accept the newcomer right away, but new bonds will grow
in time. Meanwhile, the love of your surviving pets can be wonderfully
healing for your own grief.
10. Should I get a new pet right away?
Generally, the answer is no. One needs
time to work through grief and loss before attempting to build a
relationship with a new pet. If your emotions are still in turmoil,
you may resent a new pet for trying to "take the place" of the old-for
what you really want is your old pet back. Children in particular may
feel that loving a new pet is "disloyal" to the previous pet.
When you do get a new pet, avoid getting
a "lookalike" pet, which makes comparisons all the more likely. Don't
expect your new pet to be "just like" the one you lost, but allow it
to develop its own personality. Never give a new pet the same name or
nickname as the old. Avoid the temptation to compare the new pet to
the old one: It can be hard to remember that your beloved companion
also caused a few problems when it was young!
A new pet should be acquired because you
are ready to move forward and build a new relationship-rather than
looking backward and mourning your loss. When you are ready, select an
animal with whom you can build another long, loving
relationship-because this is what having a pet is all about!
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